The Matrix: Unscrambled
by wh1te rabb1t 01
Summary: It's an enimga wrapped inside a metaphor. Actually, it's a parody of the Matrix: Revolutions movie.
1. Shiny Green Writing

**

The Matrix: Unscrambled

**

**Chapter One: Shiny Green Writing**

[as the title flashes by on the screen, we go diving down through scrolling Matrix code. We come out in a small room where two albino Twins sit]

Twin One: We are not in this movie.

Twin Two: We are getting aggravated.

Twin One: [rolls eyes] Excuse my brother. He is – I believe the term is - an idiot. He loves his dialogue, and never says anything else.

Twin Two: Can we move along?

Twin One: Yes, we can. Anyway, we are not in this movie. The author thinks we should have been. So don't be surprised is we show up from time to time.

[a door opens and the Wachowski bros enter. They are dressed in identical suits and their hair has turned into dreadlocks]

Wachowski One: The reason we didn't put in the movie is that…well…you're sorta…dead.

Wachowski Two: Yeah.

Twin One: We owe you for that.

Twin Two: Just like new.

Twin One: I'd accept a small part in exchange for killing my brother here.

Wachowski One: Can you kill mine, too?

Twin One: Sure.

Twin Two: We are getting aggravated.

[Twin One takes out a dagger and stabs twin two in the stomach. the dagger changes to code and we zoom in on it. we briefly flash by a naked Smith and then exit the view through the Blammer's Matrix screens]

**INT. **The _Blammer, _main deck.

[Morphbus stands looking over the shoulder of the _ Blammer's _operator, OK. Behind them stands Rolaid, the captain, man with long, white dreadlocks and an obviously make-up treated face. He wears Zion clothing]

OK: Damn, they aren't in here.

Morphbus: Who isn't?

OK: Dobbie and Boast, sir.

Morphbus: Ah, shit! Where's my bitch?

Rolaid: That's who we're looking for now, Morphbus. Calm down. Search every pipe, every hole, every crack we know.

OK: Um…

Morphbus: Um…

Rolaid: Not in _that _way, you perverts. God, why did we…I mean, why did _I_ get stuck with you idiots?

**INT. **_Blammer _infirmary.

Baggie: I thought you could use something to eat. [hands Finite a hamburger]

Finite: Thanks. [bites hamburger and hits teeth on a hard object] What the hell? [extracts bullet from hamburger]

Baggie: Shit.

Finite: Someone must have accidentally put a bullet in my food.

Baggie: [sighs in relief]

Finite: Any change?

Baggie: Nope.

Finite: Good.

**INT. **The _Blammer, _main deck.

Morphbus: Run another search through the Matrix!

OK: For what?

Morphbus: For Peo!

OK: How can he be in the Matrix, sir?

Morphbus: Bitch! If you don't follow my orders, I kill you!

OK: Fine. God.

Finite [VO]: What?

OK: The big bubkis. 

Morphbus: What the hell does that mean?

**INT. **_Blammer _infirmary.

Baggie: This is what bothers me.

Finite [coming over and bending down]: What?

Baggie [drawing knife]: I see these patterns all the time…[stabs]

Finite [moving aside accidentally]: When?

Baggie: [falls to floor]

Finite: Baggie?

Baggie: On…someone…who's…jacked…in…

**INT. **The _Blammer, _main deck.

Clink: Hey, you got a call!

Morphbus: I thought you were dead!

Clink: Nope.

Caller [muffled voice]: I'm looking for Amanda Huginkiss.

Morpheus: Is there Amanda Huginkiss on this ship?

Clink: Yes. [comes forward and wraps his arms around Morpheus]

[Morpheus looks disgusted, then reaches up and grabs a heavy metal object, bringing it down on the head of Clink. A high-pitched Asian laugh comes from the phone]

**EXT. **Matrix streets.

Bearaph: I bring word from the Oracle. You must come at once.

Morpheus: Heh…come…hee hee.

Bearaph: [slams down phone. it bounces off the holder and hits him in the forehead. he falls to the ground, unconscious]

**INT. **Mobil Avenue train station.

[Peo lays on the ground in his suit outfit. He opens his eyes to see a young girl standing above him]

Sorry: You're awake!

Peo: Where am I?

Sorry: This is the train station.

Peo: This isn't the Matrix?

Sorry: Don't you ever read the script? No, the Matrix is where the train goes. Where we're going. But you cannot come. _He_ won't let you.

Peo: Who?

Sorry: The Rainman. I don't like him, but my papa says we have to do what he says or he will leave us here for ever and ever.


	2. SubliminAL messaGOREs

**Chapter Two: SublimnAL MessaGOREes**

**INT. **Oracle's apartment.

[we see the Oracle standing in front of Morphbus and Finite. She is, however, not as we remember her. She has long, white hair and black eyeglasses. One of her breasts sags and a large pear drops to the floor and rolls towards Finite's feet]

Oracle: Finite, thank you for coming. Morphbus, you were supposed to stay home.

Finite: Who the hell are you?

Oracle: We are… [coughs, clears throat] I am the Oracle. It's clearly explained in Enter the Matrix. Sorry if you didn't play it.

Morphbus: I did! It was so cool, and I especially liked-

Oracle: Not now, Morphbus.

Finite: Do you know what happened to Peo?

Oracle: Also explained in Enter the Matrix. He-

Morphbus: Is trapped in a place between this world and the real world-

Finite: You KNEW??? You could have saved us so much trouble.

Oracle: NOT NOW!!!! Good, I always forget how annoying you are. Anyway, the link is controlled by a program known as the Rainman. Bearaph… [looks around] Where the hell is he? That's what I get for hiring an illegal immigrant just because it was cheap…

Morphbus: What happens now?

Oracle: Um…Just go to any train station. He'll show up eventually.

**INT. **Mobil Avenue train station.

Sorry: Are you from the Matrix?

Peo: No…I mean, yes. I was.

Sorry: Why did you leave?

Peo: I had to. My contract expired.

Sorry: I had to leave my home too.

Rama [VO]: Sorry, come here. Leave the poor man in peace.

[Sorry runs over to stand beside her father, a tall man with white dreadlocks. beside the father sits a woman, her mouth duck taped and her hands tied behind her back]

Rama: We are sorry. She is still very curious.

Peo: We?

Rama: My wife and I.

Peo: Of course.

Wife [muffled]: Mmph!

Rama: Shut up, bitch! [raises hand to slap, then spots Peo] I mean…silence, dear. We are trying to talk.

**INT. **Matrix, inside a subway train.

Morphbus: That's him.

[they approach the Rainman, a large, scraggly bum with long white dreadlocks. He gets up and looks at them]

Rainman: You!

Finite: We only want to talk.

Rainman: Screw you. 

[he jumps out of the train and begins to run. The rebels chase after them. They pass a PowerAde sign, a Tasty Wheat sign, a sign for Al Gore, and other plug-ins]

Morphbus: He's getting away!

Finite: No!

[the Rainman jumps across the tracks and somehow gets away]

**INT. **Mobil Avenue train station.

Peo: When is the train due?

Rama: It is already late.

[a train pulls up and the Rainman gets off]

Rainman: Hurry up, I'm already late.

[Peo picks up a suitcase and hands it to Rama]

Peo: There you go.

Rama: Thanks.

[they all board the train. Rama and the Rainman are never seen together in the same shot]

Rainman: I know you…so that's what they wanted.

Peo: Huh?

Rainman: [punches Peo hard]

Peo: [begins to cry] What was that for?  
Rainman [disgusted]: Shut up, you. We're leaving now. Get off the train.

Peo: Fine. [sulks, then sticks middle finger up as train leaves]

[the train screeches to a halt and the Rainman gets off]

Rainman: Beyotch!!!!

[he kicks the crap out of Peo]

Peo: I don't want to get hurt by you.

Rainman: Good. [returns to train]

Peo: What an asshole.

Rainman: I heard that!

Peo: Sorry, oh master!

Rainman: Better.

[the train leaves. Peo plops down on the tracks and begins to run after it. he sees two lights]

Peo: Go towards the lights at the end of the tunnel! Sounds good!

[he begins to run, and a train slams into him]

Peo: Shit.

**INT. **car, Matrix streets

Finite: We should return to the Oracle.

Morphbus: No. We know what has to be done.

[strip music starts playing in the car]

Morphbus: Heh. Oops.

Finite: [rolls eyes]


	3. Sex, Mayhem, and Drugs, Oh My!

**Chapter Three: Sex, Mayhem, and Drugs, Oh My!**

[we hear two voices arguing over the movie as it plays a strip scene by Morphbus in his car]

Keanu: It burns! My virgin eyes!

Laurence: Quit complaining, I'm the one who had to do it.

Keanu: Sucker!

Laurence: Bitch! At least I can _act!_

Keanu [seriously]: That was uncalled for.

Laurence: I don't think so.

Carrie: Will the two of you shut up? The real movie's starting again.

[Morphbus appears, walking out of the shadows towards three club guards dressed in tight leather]

**EXT. **Club Stupid parking lot.

Guy One: Holy shit, it's Thing-less.

Guy Two: I get it. You must be looking to die.

Morphbus: I just want to talk.

Guy One: That sounds reasonable.

Guy Two: Go ahead.

Morphbus: Screw you! [runs for elevator]

Guy One: Hey! [trips Morphbus]

Morphbus: Um…nice leather!

Guy One [voice lighter]: Really, you think so? Fabio over there thought it was a little too revealing, but I said "Fabio, if you want to play dirty you've got to get some mud," and then he said "I love it when you talk that way, let's do it right now, here, _in _the mud," and then I-

Fabio: Lorenzo! That's enough.

Lorenzo [voice deeper]: Sorry.

Morphbus: Well, I-

Lorenzo: Shove it, bitch. You got a lot of explaining to do.

Morphbus: That's too bad, because we don't have time that stretches to in_FINITE!_

Fabio: …

Lorenzo: Start talking. [whacks him with baseball club]

Morphbus: Shit that hurts. Well, we're coming here to talk to Jacques because we want to get Peo back from him-

Fabio: You'll take Peo? He wants to talk to you, then.

Finite [running up]: Wait for me!

Morphbus: Why didn't you come when I called?

Finite [shifty eyes]: I…didn't…hear…you?

**INT. **Elevator

[Morphbus shoots the two guards. They collapse to the floor as the elevator door slides open. The gun check men all look at them]

Morphbus: Whoops.

Finite: Idiot.

[they gun check men attack. One fires at Morphbus and hit the nearby wall]

Morphbus: Mommy!

[one jumps onto the ceiling and hangs there for a second, then falling on his head with a sickening thud]

Morphbus: Ha ha ha! AH! [ducks as bullets fly over him and hit another one of the guards. Only two remain now]

Guard One: Dude, like chill out, okay?

Guard Two: Totally, dude!

Morphbus: Oh, no! We have web SURFERS!

Guard One: Like, dude?

Guard Two: …Dude?

Morphbus: …

Finite: God, why does this always happen?

[suddenly, her clothes start to disappear]

Finite: Damn hackers! Die now!

[she slams a fist into Guard One. He dies with a final cry of "dude"]

Guard Two: Dude, that was so totally not cool.

Finite: Fuck you.

Guard Two: Okay.

Finite: … [hits him upside the head]

**INT. **Club Stupid VIP lounge.

Jacques Chirac: I don't believe this…

[the guards are sent down and they escort Morphbus and Finite up to the VIP lounge. Everyone takes a drink and goes to the bathroom while preparing for another long speech by the French dude]

Jacques: Quelle bonne surprise, n'est pas? [Trans: Ha, I'm some stupid French guy and no one has any idea what I'm saying. FUCK YOU, AUDIENCE!]

Finite: We want Peo.

Jacques: I'd love to give him to you, but it seems others want him as well. We're about to have a little bidding war.

Finite: That wasn't part of the deal!

Jacques: What deal?

Finite [frantically]: Shut UP! THAT'S WHAT DEAL!

Jacques: Anyway…One Peo up for grabs. Do I hear one thousand dollars?

[dead silence]

Jacques: Five hundred dollars?

[dead silence]

Jacques: One hundred bucks?

Nina Myers: One hundred!

Jacques: Do I hear one-fifty?

Kiss: One-fifty!

Jacques: Two hundred, anyone?

Finite [reluctantly]: Two hundred.

Others: Too high…

Finite: Yes! Oh, wait…

**INT. **Mobil Ave train station.

[a train pulls up and the Rainman gets off. Peo runs and hides behind a bench, but when Finite gets off, he stands up and runs to her. She steps to the side and he slams into a wall]

Finite: Torro! Ha, idito.

**INT. **Matrix streets, car.

Peo: I have to see her.

Morphbus: The Oracle?

Peo [sarcastically]: No, your mom.

Morphbus [hurt]: Why now?

Peo: This may be my last chance.

Finite: Ha ha ha…[makes whipped sound]


	4. Not Like That, Fool

Chapter Four: Not Like That, Fool 

**INT. **Oracle's apartment, sitting room. 

[Bearaph is sitting watching a baseball game on television. A fan reaches up and catches the ball, preventing the outfielder from stopping the home run. Bearaph screams in agony and shoots the television. There is a knock at the front door] 

Bearaph: Who is it? 

Peo [deep voice]: Pizza. 

Bearaph: Finally! You know, I called you guys over an hour ago. 

[he opens the door, and Peo slams the pizza box into his face. Bearph slumps to the ground] 

Finite: Was that necessary? 

Peo: Probably not, no. Why? 

Finite: Where's the Oracle? 

Peo: Kitchen. 

[they both stop to listen to the voices coming from the kitchen] 

Oracle: That's right, that's the secret. Use your hands. 

Sorry: Why? 

Oracle: Pussy needs love just like everything else, darling. 

[Peo makes a face. Finite rolls her eyes and opens the door to see the Oracle and Sorry petting a small cat] 

Oracle: Damn, I was hoping to be gone before you got here. Oh, well. So, do you recognize me? 

[Peo notices she is wearing glasses, a fake nose, and a moustache] 

Peo: Yes. You trying to hide from Kiss? 

Oracle [glancing at Peo]: Yes…Kiss… 

[Peo turns around and the Oracle makes a face. Finite laughs] 

Peo: What? 

Oracle: Nothing. 

Peo: Anyway, where is this going to end? 

Oracle: I don't know. 

Peo: You don't know, or you won't tell me? 

Oracle: A little from column A, a little from column B. 

Peo: I hate you. 

Oracle: I know, honey. 

Peo: What do you want? 

Oracle: I want the same thing you want. 

Peo: The end of this war. 

Oracle: [nods] Everything that has a beginning has an end… 

Peo: Not everything. 

Oracle: Yes, everything. 

Peo: What about a circle?  
Oracle: That has no beginning either, fool. 

Peo: Life? 

Oracle: Death. 

Peo: What about the afterlife?  
Oracle: That doesn't count. 

Peo: Bullshit. You're dodging the issue. What about a river? 

Oracle: [shifty eyes] Okay, that's enough. Anyway, I see the end coming. I see the darkness spreading. 

Peo: Maybe you should get the checked. 

Oracle: THAT'S IT! I QUIT! I'VE PUT UP WITH YOUR SMUG ASS THROUGH THREE DAMN MOVIES, AND THIS IS THE END OF IT!!! GOOD! BYE! 

[she walks out] 

Peo: ……… 

Finite: Dumbass. 

**INT. **Core of the _Blammer _

Finite: How are you feeling? 

Peo: I need time. 

**INT. **Oracle's kitchen 

Oracle: Mmm, I love that smell. Sure am going to miss it. 

Bearaph: Oracle. 

Oracle: I know, I know. Get out. 

Bearaph: Thank you. 

**INT. **Apartment hallway 

[Kiss enters from below and begins to walk up the stairs. Bearaph and Sorry try to run, but Bearaph has apparently misplaced the magic keys that let him move around at will] 

Sorry: I'm scared. 

Bearaph: Not nearly frightened enough. 

Sorry: [rolls eyes] 

[Kiss enters the room they are hiding in] 

Kiss: There you are. [spots Sorry] I see you've returned to your old ways. For shame. 

Bearaph: I have beaten you before. 

Kiss: But things are a little different now, aren't they? 

Sorry: The Oracle told me about you. 

Kiss: Really, what did she say? 

Sorry: She said you were a bad lay. 

Kiss: Oh, I'm not so bad once you get used to me… 


End file.
